Where the heck is Fresno, California?
A New Home With Divine Connections
Our time in Fresno has been both difficult and miraculous. Until we found our own house to move into, I lived in a small, furnished apartment paid for by my new employer, where I was often joined by my family on weekends. We found a “for sale by owner” home that nearly fit our needs. It had a large pool and a spa. The yard was large, and it fed into Clovis schools. The only problem was that there were only three bedrooms, which was a challenge with a daughter and five sons. When the kids saw it, they overwhelmingly supported the purchase because they were in love with the pool, spa, and large lot. The five boys proposed sharing a single bedroom. They said that they would spend their time outdoors anyway. We made the purchase. The day we moved into our home, it snowed and hailed in Fresno. The surface of our pool was frozen and it even cracked some tiles. Not the Fresno that we came to know and love.
We contacted our new bishop, Bishop Bill Baird, to let him know we had just moved into the Fresno First Ward. He told us about a ward dinner that following Saturday and invited us there. We attended, and he asked if we would sit with him and his wife. Kathy was uneasy because of all the restless boys we brought. During the meal, he looked at Kathy and me and said, “I prayed for you to come.” This could certainly explain the challenges that brought us here. (An interesting fact: Bill Baird has a Super Bowl ring, having won the third Super Bowl with Joe Namath.)
Seminary, Bishop and Lessons Learned
The following December, I was called to replace the ward’s seminary teacher. I was very nervous about teaching youth because I had very little experience. I wasn’t sure if I had the ability to relate to youth. The topic that year was the Old Testament, and I had only read the Old Testament once. I taught more about faith than history. The youth and I had a great experience together. Our ward youth attended five different high schools in three school districts. Because of this unique geography, all our high school students met in one class at our centrally located church building.
I recall one day, as I was preparing for the next day’s lesson, a page between lessons in the seminary manual asked me, “Are you teaching lessons, or are you teaching students?” That message has affected every lesson I have prepared since. I have tried to share spiritual experiences, rather than just teaching lessons or just facts. It isn’t about getting through all the lesson materials or a great history lesson, or facts and figures. The discussion needs to be an experience that changes you and your students.
When teaching about King David, I covered his rise to power, as well as his faithfulness in worshiping God. The faith he showed when challenging Goliath. Then we got to his infidelity and even murder when he met Bathsheba. Some of my students had tears because they loved King David. I love David, too; he reminds me of how careful we all must be to recognize spiritual traps. A great man fell because he momentarily forgot who he really served. As I said, we had a great experience together.
I had a terrible time figuring out foggy days for seminary. Sometimes I would cancel seminary for a morning because I thought it would be too foggy, but then it didn’t happen. After several misses, I announced that I would be there to teach seminary every school day. If someone thought it was too foggy to come in they just had to tell me and I would give them attendance credit.
On the day of the seminary graduation, I was sustained as the ward’s new bishop. What a fantastic experience it was to get to know our youth by teaching seminary before becoming their bishop.
Our great experiences together continued as Kathy took over from me and began teaching seminary classes. She taught for three years. Kathy loved them, and they loved her. Our meetinghouse was being refurbished for a year, so we decided to move the seminary class into our living room. Kathy was a great teacher, and I saw them every morning in our living room, before going to work. The experience was so great that the kids asked to keep it in our living room even after the chapel remodel was finished. So Kathy taught for three years in our living room.
Our ward was the “poor” ward in our stake. We seemed to have an image of not quite being as good as the other wards. When Kathy started teaching seminary, she also taught them how to do a competitive scripture chase. They showed a lot of support for her coaching and became quite good at it. The bishopric challenged them to a year-end scripture chase which motivated them. I studied hard but they beat us handily. When the year-end stake seminary scripture chase came along, the ward team beat all other teams. They took first place. This surprised everyone, but especially our students.
I recall once, during my tithing settlement responsibilities as a bishop, I counseled some couples who struggled with tithing. It struck me during the meetings how tithing works. The Lord has incredible power. He created the universe that we know. He promised us His help when we pay our tithing. So, when we pay tithing, we attach ourselves to a power from God to help us succeed. When we do not pay tithing, we choose to go it alone. It’s not that God chooses not to bless us, but tithing, like other gospel laws, is a natural law. Specific blessings naturally flow when we obey. When we do not pay tithes, the law of tithing is not activated, so the flow of blessings stops because we are not obeying the related law. The flow of tithing blessings doesn’t necessarily prevent financial setbacks, but it does allow the Lord to move our lives to what is best for our growth. Even when bad things happen we can end up rewarded for them.
I think the great reward of serving as a bishop is watching people’s lives change.
Family Life and Ingenuity
We bought an old soda machine for $150 and I modified it from a bottle based machine into a can machine and replaced the broken coin exchanger. We set the price for a can of soda at 25 cents. Our house became the local youth hangout with a large pool, spa, and soda machine. What more can you ask for? When Jacob started kindergarten, his teacher was amazed at how well he understood how to break down change. Kathy then explained the soda machine, and that he had learned every combination that added up to 25 cents, except for pennies, which the machine didn’t accept.
We were once visiting Kathy’s dad in Mesquite, Nevada. We took the Donner Pass route which included lots of snow that time of the year. We were concerned about having six kids in the van for an extended period of driving time wit slow snow-bound traffic. How to entertain them? We bought a tiny presenter’s portable TV and a power inverter. The TV set between the front seats of the van and was plugged into the power inverter, and the inverter into the cigarette lighter. We had a lot of videos for them to watch. The kids were entertained for the trip. We were ahead of our day, with our TV in the van.
My employment had challenges. Their accounting system was antiquated, running on a mainframe. I found a local IT consultant named Ed Vagim who was absolutely visionary. He worked with me to develop the ideal PC-based system. We installed one of the very first Windows-based networks in Fresno back in 1991. (Everyone else was running Novell.) I found a reliable accounting package and got it up and running. Many paper-and-pencil systems were used around the office to track items that the old accounting system couldn’t handle. I tracked down all the remaining paper and pencil systems in the office. In each case, I either incorporated it into the accounting system, designed a spreadsheet, or designed a database to replace the manual system.
Kathy used to fill our kids’ summers with weekly outings. The zoo, the Discovery Center, Forrestier Underground Gardens, etc. She always turned the activity into a learning experience with many discussions.
We had a big magnetic board that displayed chores. Chores were rotated weekly. We had a magnetic tag for each chore, and they were drawn in rotation, one at a time, and placed under that person’s name on the board. We always had a big roll of fairground tickets to be earned by doing chores and odd jobs. We had a family “treasure chest” filled with age-appropriate things (as the kids got older, so did the treasures) that could be purchased with tickets.
When their rooms were not cleaned on time, I would enter the room with a large trash bag and collect any items that were not put away. They could then purchase them back with earned tickets. Once a month, we had a family business meeting to discuss topics such as the calendar and family budget. Keeping them informed about the family budget was very helpful. When someone asked for something out of the ordinary, we would turn to the family budget and say, “What budget should it come from, and what do you want to give up to buy it?”
Saturday mornings were for yard chores. We had tags with the regular yard chores, and made some extra tags with special chores for the week. Early Saturday morning, all the day’s tags were set out on the kitchen table to be picked. To pick a chore, you had to be dressed and ready to do it right then. Chores were first-come, first-served, so the early bird got the first choice. You would pick one chore, then do it, and then come back and pick another chore to do. I believe we had a limit of three chores each per Saturday. We always stopped by noon and had an afternoon family activity. Many of our kids got involved in soccer, either playing or refereeing, which took some scheduling.
Adam started playing soccer in Colton when he was three, and we went to his weekly soccer games until he was 32. He asked us to quit forming a tunnel somewhere during this period. He decided then that he was getting old for the intense games when he got compound fracture that required surgery. We finally got Monday nights off.
Once, one of our sons talked back to Kathy about a house rule. She answered, “Your brother Peter did that once.” And she started walking away, leaving everyone wondering. They looked at each other and replied, “We don’t have a brother named Peter.” Kathy said, “Yeah, and we didn’t keep any of his pictures either. Think about that before you try that again.”
Food with five big boys was interesting. We ended up with a nearly six-foot daughter and five sons who started at 6’4″ and got much taller from there. We used to shop monthly with a weekly fill-in. The month’s worth of groceries would be gone by the third day if left unsupervised. Kathy put a lock & chain through the side-by-side fridge handles and locked the pantry. She would set out treats every day after school, so they didn’t starve. There are no signs that they were underfed. At dessert time, one person would be assigned to cut the cake or other dessert. The person doing the cutting had the last pick for the dessert. I have never seen such accurate work being done. You could measure the pieces of cake with a micrometer.
The Darkest Valley: Illness, Financial Ruin, and Miraculous Support
One of the owners of the company I worked for was the most immoral man I have ever known. A coworker later told me that the other managers all saw me as his scapegoat when I was hired. Somehow, if he got caught, the guilt would point to me instead of him. Later, after I left the company, he did get caught and he set his son-in-law up as his scapegoat, who went to jail. He instructed me to prepare a false set of books to conceal that he had significantly overcharged a customer. The customer knew something was off and demanded an audit. I refused to cook the books, and the work situation became impossible. I quit. And someone else cooked the books for the audit. (In the years since, a new generation has taken over company management. They have brought integrity back.)
I continued as a bishop but never found sustainable employment during the following year. We ran out of personal resources and received help from the Church for food and house payments. Eventually, the stress got to me, and I started slipping into a deep depression. Our stake president watched me as I slipped away and had to release me as a bishop as I steadily became less functional.
My depression grew until I was so depressed that I would be in bed for days at at time. Later, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I swung from the depression to enter a manic episode in which I spent nearly a hundred thousand dollars in just a few weeks using savings and credit cards. It happened so fast that Kathy couldn’t see it and couldn’t prevent it. In my manic mind, I was setting up a hot rod building business. I spent the money on run down project cars and on car parts. My manic mind was so unfocused that I couldn’t carry any plans through to completion. Finally, we were penniless and deeply in debt. Because I was responsible for our situation, I dropped back into a hopeless depression and stayed there for several years. Our house was foreclosed on, and our cars were repossessed. We ended up in bankruptcy.
Two years before this, Kathy had a prompt to update her teaching credential. She thought this was odd at the time because she had no intention of returning to the workforce. She was very happy as a homemaker and teacher of youth at church. This is where she wanted to stay. But she brought the teaching credential up to date, as prompted. As I became unable to work, Kathy realized that it was falling on her to become the breadwinner for our family. Since her expertise was in teaching she decided to return to education. She sought a teaching position at Fancher Creek Elementary School, and they were happy to have her. She started as a reading specialist, then moved to teaching first grade, and then to the administrative team. She moved to the new Freedom Elementary as assistant principal. I’m so glad Kathy acted on that prompt to update her teaching credential. Without it we would have been foodless and homeless.
Kathy faced criticism from church members who did not understand why she went back into the workforce. They spoke about how she put her career return over family. Karl Cooke was a good friend who took a closer look at what was happening in our family and asked to be designated as our home teacher. He provided support for Kathy when she needed him. He offered blessings to me when they would help me. He didn’t understand my condition, but he was there to help. Many around us didn’t understand my condition. Kathy was told that a devil had possessed me. Or I needed more faith. Or more scripture study would clear things u. Or I just needed to snap out of it. Never pass judgment! It wasn’t a bad mindset. It was a chemical imbalance. You don’t know someone’s circumstances. As Stephen R. Covey said, “Be a light, not a judge.” Help someone climb out of the hole; don’t judge why they are there.
When Adam earned the Eagle rank, I was lost in my illness. I was incapable of organizing an Eagle Court for him, so Kathy asked the Scoutmaster at church to do so. He told her it was not his responsibility and told her I needed to do it. Kathy’s brother, Ron, came up from Southern California to organize a wonderful Eagle’s court for Adam.
Ben joined the Marine Corps immediately after graduating from high school. Boot camp and the demands there were tough on him, but he also gained a lot of confidence during his time in the Corps. And the GI Bill provided the funding for his future college education after he left the Corps.
In my depressed state, I had come to believe that my service to the Lord as a bishop had been soundly rejected by Him, and that my life would not be acceptable to Him.
I began to feel that my continued existence would bring my whole family down, and they would progress better without me. I had decided to take my life and was nearing the execution of a plan.
Kathy saw something was wrong and came to one of my doctor’s visits and told him I had been injuring myself and had become distant from everyone. When pressed, I finally told of my plans for suicide. I was placed in a mental health facility that day. I soon became outpatient, which lasted for a few months. Here, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 1. I believe the most crucial thing the facility provided me with was new skills in addressing personal shortcomings and setbacks. I had demanded perfection from myself and now was learning how to accept my best instead.
Although a very sensitive subject, I would like to talk briefly on the suicidal mindset. I have heard people say how selfish suicide is. They do not understand. The profoundly depressed person can only see the hurt their condition is causing their family and other loved ones. They see themselves as a significant burden, pulling others down. Once in this mindset, the suicidal person believes his death will bring relief to the family. Life is seen very differently from the depressed mindset. We should be sensitive to help the person who talks of suicide. But we should also be aware of the deeply depressed person who does not speak of suicide. In my case, I knew that if I talked about suicide, others would try to talk me out of it and would possibly refer me for counseling. I had decided that my own death was the right answer, and I did not want to be talked out of it. So, I said nothing.
After some years, a combination of meds was prescribed that brought more stability and an improved outlook.
Looking back, I have learned several important lessons:
- The family is never better off after a suicide. As broken as you feel, the family is better off with you than without you. Hang in there for them.
- You are never too broken for God to love you. If He doesn’t bring healing He will help you navigate your way through it as He did for me.
- The right combo of meds brought stability to me, but it took four years of trial and error to get the right combination. Don’t give up until the meds work right.
God is good. His every action towards us is to bring as many of His children back home to Him are willing. He wants all of us home.
In the worst of this period, I remember once asking Kathy, “Why are you still here?” She answered, “Our marriage is eternal. And this is not you; it’s an illness.” Many stories about our family during this time are known only to Kathy. I was too out of it to be aware.
I have often thought about why Kathy received a prompting to take the matter of my mental health to the doctor. I have seen others take their lives when their families did not see the signs. I think that perhaps some are hurting enough that they cannot heal while mortal. Possibly, God allows their suicide to put them on the other side of the veil in a place where they can heal. I claim no special insight here, but I know that the Lord always acts out of love for His children. Since my survival, I have chosen to be completely open to others about this experience. Why should the lessons I learned be limited to just me?
In Kathy’s finest style, we had a family party when I was released from treatment. We watched “What About Bob” as part of the family event. We had a fun evening of movies, dinner, and treats.
Kathy left her career as an educator 17 years earlier when she decided to become a homemaker. Although Kathy didn’t see it back then, she was always a fantastic teacher. I now believe that the Lord wanted her teaching again because she was exceptional and still had lives to change. She has a unique ability to teach challenging students. Although my bipolar experience was harrowing, I also believe a remarkable thing happened with Kathy’s return to her career in education. She had thousands of students to help in her future.
God is good. I am here because of a warning given to Kathy, and her response to it. Now, one of my purposes in life is to help others learn my life lessons without having my dark experiences.
Many of the events that occurred during this period do not align with the values of our faith. Some key people let us down. Christ is perfect, but his followers are not. When fellow believers let us down, this reflects on them and mortality in general, not our faith in Christ.
As mentioned, our home was foreclosed on, and our cars were repossessed. And all my poorly planned car projects were sold for pennies on the dollar spent. We had to leave behind our home of eleven years. We then found a house for rent on McCall Avenue in Sanger. Generous church members gave us older running cars, so we had transportation. It was time for a new chapter of our lives.
The story of Kathy & Ron Goodlad
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