Choose To Not Be Offended

We believe that each of God’s children was placed here with the power and capacity for salvation if he or she will only seek it. All are children of God. All chose Heavenly Father’s plan of salvation while in the pre-mortal state. As such, each deserves our respect even if they have not yet pursued their mortal potential. We must also remember that every Church member is in his or her own place on the road to salvation, having different problems and strengths than we have. Some are just starting their journey, while others have considerable experience on the path. Sometimes we will clash in how we see or do things. When we clash, we must choose our actions and our words carefully or choose not to say or do anything at all. We must never react when angry or upset. Our love of our Heavenly Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, and for our brothers and sisters should override all else in our attitude, especially at church. We need to look for that which binds us together, not the differences that separate us. Our differences can be our strength as we combine to solve problems together. 

We live in a world today where our words are carefully searched to see if someone can take offense from them. And always there is something. This attitude has no place in church where we are looking after one another’s growth. If offended, even if deliberately, we must always continue serving in the gospel and loving its members. We are all different from each other, and I would have it no other way. No matter what anyone says or does to us we must not stop growing to become godlike. Our return to Heavenly Father must not be at the mercy of how someone else treats us. When your faith or character is attacked do not retaliate. Hold back your reaction until your anger passes. Who you are and how you live are always the best answers to personal attacks.

Elder David A. Bednar said in the Oct 2006 General Conference:

One of my favorite activities as a priesthood leader is visiting members of the Church in their homes. I especially enjoy calling upon and talking with members who commonly are described as “less active.”

Our visits were quite straightforward. We expressed love and appreciation for the opportunity to be in their home. We affirmed that we were servants of the Lord on His errand to their home. We indicated that we missed and needed them—and that they needed the blessings of the restored gospel. And at some point early in our conversation I often would ask a question like this: “Will you please help us understand why you are not actively participating in the blessings and programs of the Church?”

I made hundreds and hundreds of such visits. Each individual, each family, each home, and each answer was different. Over the years, however, I detected a common theme in many of the answers to my questions. Frequently responses like these were given:

“Several years ago a man said something in Sunday School that offended me, and I have not been back since.”

“No one in this branch greeted or reached out to me. I felt like an outsider. I was hurt by the unfriendliness of this branch.”

“I did not agree with the counsel the bishop gave me. I will not step foot in that building again as long as he is serving in that position.”

Many other causes of offense were cited—from doctrinal differences among adults to taunting, teasing, and excluding by youth. But the recurring theme was: “I was offended by …”

The bishop and I would listen intently and sincerely. One of us might next ask about their conversion to and testimony of the restored gospel. As we talked, eyes often were moist with tears as these good people recalled the confirming witness of the Holy Ghost and described their prior spiritual experiences. Most of the “less-active” people I have ever visited had a discernible and tender testimony of the truthfulness of the restored gospel. However, they were not presently participating in Church activities and meetings.

And then I would say something like this. “Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children, and the generations that will follow.” Many times people would think for a moment and then respond: “I have never thought about it that way.”

The bishop and I would then extend an invitation: “Dear friend, we are here today to counsel you that the time to stop being offended is now. Not only do we need you, but you need the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Please come back—now.” (end quote)

Symonds Ryder was an early convert to the Church. He was baptized and ordained an elder on June 6, 1831. He was called on a mission on June 7, 1831. But in the letter of authorization his name was spelled “Rider” not “Ryder”. He felt that a calling that misspelled his name could not be inspired. He refused serve the mission. His anger continued to grow and he left the Church the following September to become its enemy. When the prophet was tarred and feathered in February 1832, Symonds was one of the leaders of that mob. How quickly our anger can overtake us.

There are so many ways to be offended. Sometimes we will have legitimate reasons for our hurt feelings. Maybe someone said or did something. Maybe even deliberately. We can choose to withdraw our activity and service in the gospel and die to spiritual things, and perhaps to pass this attitude on for generations. Or we can set the offense aside and continue traveling the road to salvation. The person who is the source of offense does not have the power to change where we are going in life. Only we do. The Lord has given us the agency to determine our own destiny. And by His grace we can overcome all obstacles. And He has promised eventual healing from all our wounds however deep. All mortal hurts eventually drop into the background when we are focused on eternity.

As some of you may remember, Jerry Bailey has sent out emails with special messages. On April 4th, 2020, when the COVID-19 virus was just starting to take its toll and just before general conference, he sent a message that changed me. I won’t quote all of it but enough to get the point across.

"John is a natural motivator. He is a high communications tower worker. When someone would ask him how he was doing, his reply would always be, “If I were any better, I would be twins.” If a coworker was having a bad day, he was there telling him about the bright side of life.

One time I couldn’t stand it any longer and I said to him, “I don’t get it. You can’t be a positive person all the time. How do you do it?” He replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, ‘You have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.’ Every time something bad happens I can choose to be a victim, or I can choose to learn and be wiser.”

“Yeah, right. It’s not that easy”, I protested. “Yes, it is”, he said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose your reaction. You choose how people and circumstances will affect your mood.”

I moved on to work elsewhere, and lost track of John. Some years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months later. When I asked him how he was doing, he replied, “If I were doing any better, I would be twins.” I asked him what went through his mind as the accident took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be-born daughter. Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I can choose to live, or I can choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?”, I asked. He continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER, and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses I got really scared. In their eyes I read, ‘He is a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.”

“There was a burly nurse shouting some questions at me. She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes’, I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped as they waited for my reply. ‘Gravity,’ I said. Over the laughter I then told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as a man who is going to live, not a dying one.’”

He lived, thanks to the skills of his doctors and nurses, but also because of his choices. I learned from him that every day we have the choice on how we will live.

Peter’s love for and faith in the Savior was demonstrated throughout the New Testament. When Jesus spoke of His impending persecution and death Peter had heard too much. 

Matt 16:22 "Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee.

23 But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men."

How would you feel after receiving this rebuke from your church leader? It must have stung deeply. But Peter knew he stood before the very source of eternal life. He took to heart the council to value the things of God over that which is pleasing to the carnal man. He became the presiding apostle of the Lord’s church, presiding over it as it spread to the gentiles and throughout their known world. And he eventually made the ultimate sacrifice of his life as a member of God’s church.

How about us? Is our leader’s counsel or rebuke sometimes hard to take? Is the Church’s position on something inconvenient or embarrassing? The same thing happened in Christ’s time. Many of those who followed Him went their own way when he taught the doctrines that required real change.

John 6:66 From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.

And where should we go when we are hurt? No other place except The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has the doctrines, the priesthood, and the covenants to bring us fully to God. To turn elsewhere is to give up on our hope for eternal life.

Elder Dale G. Renlund told the story of his friend Thoba in the April 2015 General Conference:

Just as God rejoices when we persevere, He is disappointed if we do not recognize that others are trying too. Our dear friend Thoba shared how she learned this lesson from her mother, Julia. Julia and Thoba were among the early black converts in South Africa. After the apartheid regime ended, black and white members of the Church were permitted to attend church together. For many, the equality of interaction between the races was new and challenging. One time, as Julia and Thoba attended church, they felt they were treated less than kindly by some white members. As they left, Thoba complained bitterly to her mother. Julia listened calmly until Thoba had vented her frustration. Then Julia said, “Oh, Thoba, the Church is like a big hospital, and we are all sick in our own way. We come to church to be helped.” (end quote)

Elder Boyd K. Packer in the April 2011 Conference told what we are really doing when we allow offense to choke our spiritual progress:

“Around us we see members of the Church who have become offended. Some take offense at incidents in the history of the Church or its leaders and suffer their whole lives, unable to get past the mistakes of others. They do not leave it alone. They fall into inactivity.

That attitude is somewhat like a man being hit by a club. Offended, he takes up a club and beats himself over the head with it all the days of his life. How foolish! How sad! That kind of revenge is self-inflicting. If you have been offended, forgive, forget it, and leave it alone.” (end quote)

There are faults in all members, including the leaders, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And you will see some of them. We all are imperfect mortals. But instead of being evidence of error in the Church they are absolute proof of its truth. Despite us and our flaws the Church has grown from six members to more than 17 million members worldwide. We each are being lifted and are progressing by participating in the kingdom of God, ultimately to be like God.

Kathy and I have had many, many experiences that have stretched our faith much to its limit. (I am a slow learner.) Kathy and I have asked ourselves what has enabled us to maintain our faith through all these challenges. I believe our strength has been that we have never lost sight of our goal of obtaining eternal life, of Who the source of eternal life is, and where His ordinances and covenants are found. Whatever your trials and wounds have been, your life will be made better through forgiveness and in following Christ and His restored church. This is not to suggest that all infractions can immediately be forgiven. Some events will take time and effort to forgive. But the peace will be worth whatever the price.

It is vital that we recognize the difference between the doctrines of Jesus Christ, Church procedures, and the Church members. The doctrines are perfect and never changing and will lead us back to God’s presence. Church procedures will occasionally change based on the needs in our world. Its members are imperfect and are at different stages of gospel growth. It is important that we not reject the perfect gospel doctrines because of a procedural change or something its imperfect members have said or done. 

My brothers and sisters, my friends, I bear my testimony that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. He and our Heavenly Father appeared to Joseph Smith and through him restored the priesthood and began the restoration of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only church on earth offering eternal priesthood covenants and ordinances, and the fullness of the doctrines of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the only name under Heaven that will bring us back eternally to presence of God. Jesus Christ can eventually heal us from our every wound no matter how deep. We must always remember the great goal of attaining eternal life when dealing with the difficulties that life will bring us. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are anxiously awaiting our triumphant return to Them. They know we will stumble and will help us get up and continue our way on the salvation trail. They know you can do it. You should know that too. They will help us as much as we will allow Them to, but we must invite Them in. Our past is immaterial. But our willingness to righteously improve our lives, step by step, will lead us to salvation. 

Talk given by Ron Goodlad in church in July 2015