Our time in Fresno has been both difficult and miraculous. I lived in a furnished apartment in Fresno, joined by the family on weekends. We kept looking for the right house on weekends before the family was ready to move. We found a "for sale by owner" that nearly fit our needs. It had a large pool and a spa. The yard was large, and it fed into Clovis schools. The only problem was that there were only three bedrooms for us, a daughter and five sons. We presented it to the kids, and they overwhelmingly approved the purchase because they were in love with the pool, spa, and large lot. The five boys would share a single bedroom. They said that they would spend their time outdoors anyway. The day we moved into our home, it snowed and hailed in Fresno. Our pool was covered with ice that even cracked some tiles. Not the Fresno that we came to know.
We contacted our new bishop, Bishop Bill Baird, to let him know we had moved into the ward. He told us of a ward dinner on Saturday and invited us there. We attended, and he asked that we sit with him. During the meal, he looked at Kathy and me and said, “I prayed for you to come.” This could certainly explain the challenges of moving here. (An interesting fact: Bill Baird has a Superbowl ring, having won the third Superbowl with Joe Namath.)
In December, I was called to become a seminary teacher. I was very nervous about teaching youth because I had no experience. I was no Old Testament scholar and taught more about faith than history. The youth and I had a great experience together. Because of the unique geography of our ward, all high school ages met in one class at our building. I remember one day, as I was preparing for the next day’s lesson, there was a page in the seminary manual that asked me, “Are you teaching lessons, or are you teaching students?” That message has affected every lesson I have taught since then. I have tried to teach to the needs of my students. It isn't about getting through all the lesson materials or a great history lesson. The message needs to be an experience that changes your students. When teaching about King David, I taught about his rise to power and glory and his faithfulness in worshiping God. Then we got to his fall and infidelity and even murder when he met Bathsheba. Some of my students had tears because they loved David and he fell so far. I love David too; he reminds me of how careful I must be to "Think Celestial." As I said, we had a great experience together.
On the day of seminary graduation, I was sustained as the ward's bishop. What a wonderful way I had experienced in getting to know our youth before becoming their bishop. Our great experience together continued. Kathy became my replacement in teaching seminary and taught for three more years. Kathy loved them, and they loved her. Our meetinghouse was being refurbished for a year, and we decided to move the seminary into our living room. Kathy was a great youth teacher, and I saw them every morning in our living room. The experience was so great that we decided to keep it in our living room even after the chapel remodel was finished. And we had many ward youth parties in our backyard.
Several ward members trusted me with their past problems. As their bishop, I guided them through the repentance process. I remember once, during my tithing settlement responsibilities as a bishop, I was counseling a couple who really struggled with tithing. It struck me during the meeting how tithing works. The Lord has absolutely awesome power. He has promised us power from Him when we pay our tithing. So, when we pay tithing, we attach ourselves to a power that comes from God to help us get by. When we do not pay tithing we are choosing to do it alone. It's not that God chooses not to bless us, but tithing, like other gospel laws, is a natural law. There are certain blessings that naturally flow when we pay our tithes. When we do not pay tithes, the law of tithing is violated, and that flow of blessings stops because we are not obeying the related law.
We bought an old soda machine and modified it from a bottle-based machine into a can-based machine. We set the price at 25 cents for a soda. Our house became the local youth hangout with a pool, spa, and soda machine. And I could get them to do anything for 25 cents to have a soda. When Jacob started school, his teacher was amazed at how well he understood how to break down change. Kathy explained the soda machine, and he had learned every combination added to 25 cents.
My employment turned out to have enormous challenges. Their accounting system was antiquated. I found a local IT consultant named Ed Vadim who worked with me to find the ideal network system. We installed one of the very first Windows-based networks in Fresno in 1991. I traveled all over the U.S. looking for the right accounting software. I found a solid accounting package, and I got it up and running. Many paper and pencil systems were used around the office to keep tabs on things that the old accounting system just wouldn't do for them. I hunted down all paper and pencil systems that remained. In each case, I either incorporated it into the accounting system, designed a spreadsheet, or designed a database to replace the manual system.
Kathy used to fill the kids' summers with weekly outings. The zoo, the Discovery Center, Forrestier Underground Gardens, etc. She always turned the activity into a learning experience with discussions and reports. We had a big magnetic board that displayed chores. Chores were rotated weekly. We had a magnetic tag for each chore, and they were drawn in rotation one at a time. We always had a big roll of fairground tickets to be earned by doing chores and other jobs. We had a family "treasure chest" filled with age-appropriate things (as the kids got older, so did the treasures) that could be purchased with tickets. When their rooms were not being cleaned up I would go into their rooms with a big trash bag and collect whatever was out of place. They could then purchase them back with tickets. Once a month, we had a family business meeting to discuss things like the calendar, family budget, etc. Keeping them in the loop on the family budget helped a lot. When someone wanted something, we would turn to the family budget and say, "What budget should it come from, and what do you want to give up to buy it?" Then we could tell if they wanted it. Saturdays were for yard chores. We had tags with the regular chores and made some with special ones. Early Saturday morning, all the day's tags were set out on the kitchen table to be picked. To pick a chore, you had to be dressed and ready to do it right then. They were first come, first served, so the early bird got the first choice. You would pick one chore, then go do it, and then come back and pick another and go do it. I think we had a limit of three chores apiece. We always stopped by noon and had an afternoon family activity. Many of our kids got involved in soccer which took some scheduling around. Adam started playing soccer when he was 4 and we went to his weekly soccer games until he was 32.
Once, one of our sons gave Kathy an attitude about a house rule. She answered, "Your brother Peter did that once." They looked at each other and answered, "We don't have a brother named Peter." Kathy said, "Yeah, and we didn't keep any of his pictures either. Think about that before you try that again." And she walked away.
Food with five big boys was interesting. We ended up with a nearly six-foot daughter and five sons who started at 6'4" and went up. We used to shop monthly with weekly fill-in. The month's worth of groceries would be gone by the third day if left unsupervised. Kathy put a lock & chain through the side-by-side fridge and locked the pantry. She would set out treats for after school so they didn't starve. There are no signs that they were underfed. At dessert time, one person would be assigned to cut the cake. The person doing the cutting had the last pick for the dessert. I have never seen such accurate work being done. You could measure the pieces of cake with a micrometer.
One of the owners of the company I worked for was the most immoral man I have ever met. Another employee later told me that they all saw me as his scapegoat when I was hired. I was the one earmarked to go to jail if he got caught. Somehow, if he got caught, the guilt would point to me instead of him. Later, after I left the company, he did get caught and set his son-in-law up as his scapegoat, who went to jail. He told me to prepare a false set of books to cover up how he was overcharging a customer. The customer knew something was off and demanded an audit. I refused to cook the books, and the work situation became impossible. I quit. And someone else cooked the books for the audit. (In the years since, a new generation has taken over company management. They have brought integrity back.) The following year, while continuing as bishop, I never found sustainable employment. We ran out of personal resources and received Church help for food and house payments. Eventually, the stress got to me, and I started slipping into a deep depression. Our stake president watched me as I slipped away and had to release me as a bishop as I could no longer function.
I was eventually so depressed that I rarely got out of bed. Then, I once left the depression to enter a manic episode in which I spent nearly a hundred thousand dollars in just a few weeks. I spent the money on project cars and parts. I thought I was starting a hot-rodding business. I couldn’t see that I lacked the ability and resources for such a business. My manic mind was so unfocused that I couldn’t carry any plans through to completion. We were penniless and deeply in debt. Because I was responsible for our situation, I dropped back into a hopeless depression and stayed there for years. Our house was foreclosed on, and our cars were repossessed. We ended up in bankruptcy. Two years before this, Kathy had a prompting to update her teaching credential. She thought this was odd at the time because she had no intention of returning to the workforce. She was very happy as a homemaker and teacher of youth. This is where she wanted to stay. As I became unable to work, Kathy realized that it was falling on her to become the breadwinner for our family. She sought a teaching position at Fancher Creek Elementary School, and they were happy to have her. She started as a reading specialist, then moved to teach first grade, and then to the administrative team. She then moved to the new Freedom Elementary as an assistant principal. I'm so glad Kathy acted on that, prompting her to update her teaching credentials.
Kathy faced criticism from other mothers who did not understand why Kathy went back into the workforce. Her visiting teacher quit coming, leaving Kathy without support for unknown reasons. We were not assigned a home teacher at that time. Karl Cooke was a good friend who looked more closely at what was happening in our family and asked to be designated as our home teacher. He was there for Kathy when she needed him. He offered blessings when they would help me. He didn’t fully understand my condition but was there to help. When Adam earned the Eagle rank, I was lost in my illness. I could not organize an Eagle Court, so Kathy asked the ward Scoutmaster to organize it. A few weeks before the court, he told her it was not his responsibility and told her to do it herself. Fortunately, Kathy’s brother, Ron, organized a wonderful Eagle’s court. Never pass judgment. You don't know someone's circumstances. As Stephen R. Covey said, "Be a light, not a judge." Help someone climb out of the hole; don't judge how they got there.
I had come to believe that my service as bishop had been soundly rejected by the Lord and that I was damned for my failures. (Keep in mind my depressed state of mind.) I felt my continued existence would bring my whole family down, and they would be better off without me. I had decided to commit suicide and was nearing the execution of a plan. Although a very sensitive subject, I would like to expand briefly on the suicidal mindset. I have often heard people say how selfish suicide is. That is not necessarily true. The profoundly depressed person can only see the hurt their condition is causing their family and see themselves as a burden. Once in this mindset, the suicidal person believes suicide will relieve the family of this burden. Remember that life is seen so differently from the depressed mindset. We should be sensitive to help the person who talks of suicide. But we should be aware of the mindset of the deeply depressed person who does not speak of suicide. In my case, I knew that by talking about suicide, others would try to talk me out of it and would possibly refer me for counseling. I had decided that suicide was the correct answer, and I did not want to be talked out of it. So I said nothing.
Kathy felt something was wrong and came to one of my doctor’s visits and told all to the doctor. She told him I had been injuring myself and was becoming distant from everyone. I was placed in a mental health facility that day. I then became an outpatient for a few months. I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. During my time with the facility, I was taught how to deal with personal failures and difficulties without being self-destructive. I received new skills. I believe the most important thing the facility brought me was new skills in dealing with personal shortcomings. In Kathy’s finest style, we had a family celebration when I was released from treatment. We watched “What About Bob” as part of the family event. I remember once asking Kathy, “Why are you still here?” She answered, “Our marriage is eternal. This is not you; it’s an illness.” I know many stories from this portion of our lives that only Kathy knows. I was too out of it to be aware of them. I have often thought about why Kathy received a prompt to take the matter of my mental health to the doctor. I have seen so many others take their lives when their families did not see the signs. I conclude that perhaps some are hurting enough that they cannot heal while mortal. Perhaps God allows their suicide to put them on the other side of the veil in a place where they can heal. I claim no special revelation here, but I know that the Lord always acts out of love for His children. This fits in my mind.
Kathy left her career in education 17 years earlier when deciding to become a homemaker. Although Kathy didn't see it back then, she was always a fantastic teacher. I now believe that the Lord wanted her teaching again because she was exceptional and still had lives to change. She has a unique ability to teach challenging students. Although my bipolar experience was harrowing, I also believe a remarkable thing happened with Kathy's return to her career in education.
During this time, our children also had some difficult experiences. Several became outcasts from the church youth. One son was beaten up at school by a group led by his teacher's quorum president. Even youth leaders seemed disinterested as our kids pulled away. Two exceptional leaders were Bill Baird and Dave Hatch. Bill always took the time to get to know our kids. Dave saw one of our sons being rejected by the youth and asked for help working with the Laotian troop, where he received his Eagle rank.
Many of the things that happened during this period do not reflect the values of our Church. Some key people let us down. We then remind ourselves that Christ is perfect, but his followers are not. When fellow believers let us down, this reflects on them, not our faith in Christ.
As mentioned, our home was foreclosed on, and our cars were repossessed. We had to leave behind our home of eleven years quickly. We then found a home on McCall Avenue in Sanger. Generous members of our Church gave us their older running cars so we had transportation.